busted heart...

This is my new favorite song! Music really speaks to my heart and helps me stay at peace in my head.
I have had a lot on my mind lately and many things in my heart. Life gets complicated at times and yet God is still always in control. I thank God for family and good friends.

I have lost the motivation that I once had for losing weight. I'm not sure what has happened. I got lazy. I got scared. I got caught up in the new me. I am afraid of the unknown. I let people's comments and lack of compliments get to me. I wasn't sure that I could maintain what I had accomplished. It got harder. It's taking too long. I dropped the "me" time to exercise.

Now what? I want to move on. I have maintained for a year or so and I want to move on. I'm tired of sitting still at this weight. I want to lose more but, how???? I know that is a silly question since I already lost 75 pounds but, I'm not not sure I can lose more. Each day seems to be a struggle at where I am.

Any ideas...any help??
Have a great day.

life goes on....

In all of the ups and downs in this world life still goes on and you have to pick yourself up and keep on taking care of yourself. I thank God for friends and hugs. Another thing that gets me through the rough times in life is music. I have been listening to a lot of music and came across this band Royal Tailor. Check out this video ....I love the song. Just one of many that is speaking to my heart right now.


I have been eating healthy but not losing anything significant. up-down, up-down by a couple of pounds each week.
Even though I am still eating healthy I am not eating regularly and I think that has a lot to do with losing. I am still training in karate.....it is the one thing that I really look forward to each week. I will be up for another test next month. I am really nervous about it but I'm sure it will go good. Four weeks to go and I need to get in some extra training. :) This test will be my "first degree" black belt certificate. I have been a black belt for one year now. You have to show the dedication and commitment for the full year before getting a certificate.

I can smile today....

I'm feeling a bit better today. Yesterday I talked, I cried, I hugged, I cried, I smiled, I thought I had it all together then another friend asked how I was then I cried again! As the day went on I smiled again, I cried, I smiled, I cried, I talked, I cried, I smiled, I laughed, I smiled, I hugged, I talked.......I slept, I felt so much better! I thank God for good friends and hugs just when you need them!
Today I cried, I prayed, I smiled, I even danced for a few seconds then I cried again. My heart is still broken and in pain but, I can feel God healing it. I know I can trust God with my heart!!

broken...

Today I am broken, broken hearted, broken spirit.......emotionally drained!
I deserve better, I will not turn to food to sooth my hurts.
I will take care of myself....I am worth it!

Medical update...

Since I last posted my health has greatly improved. I went into the doctor to get a recheck on my iron level. I told the doctor about a pain in my hip and from there found out I had a uterine fibroid tumor that was causing excessive bleeding which in turn was causing my iron level to drop dramatically. I had to have emergency surgery to remove the tumor and stop the bleeding. Things went very well with the surgery and I have recovered nicely.

I was put on bed rest for another two weeks but, did not keep to it. We had previous vacation plans to go to Disneyland for our 25th anniversary. I got the release from the doctor to go after one week. (I really stayed in bed for that week and rested up to heal.) Two days after the release I was on a plane to California with strict instructions to be in a wheel chair at all times and not to ride and big rides. The first day at Disneyland there were so many people I could not comprehend how we could get a wheel chair from one place to another so, I said I would just walk. Big, big, big mistake!!!! By the early afternoon I was in so much pain I was crying. I waited too long to eat and too long to take my pain meds. I had to sit for awhile and regroup. After that day we went in shifts and came back to the room to rest in-between. I felt better as each day went by.

After returning home and getting some much needed rest I was faced with the slow process of healing completely so I could return to karate. I could not stand the wait so I went anyway. I still could not do the physical part of all the moves. OH, and the thought of being punched in the stomach! ouch!! so, I sat on couch in the lobby and read my book going over every move in my head. My ever-so-patient partner sat with me at every class for four more weeks and as time went on we eventually were doing all the moves with just our upper body and arms while sitting on the couch. I'm sure it looked like pretty lame karate but, I was there and practicing. Over time I started going into class for short periods of time, then sitting on the floor for the rest of class teaching those that were up on the floor.

I am back up to speed in karate and going to test for my black belt certification in a few weeks. I have had my black belt for one year now and can now be an official certified first degree black belt.

Through all my surgery and resting I gained about 10 pounds but, it soon came right off as I got better. I am now back to where I was pre-surgery and have been sitting here for quite a while. I eat fairly healthy most of the time but, I don't "work" on losing weight much anymore.....I need new inspiration to continue losing weight. I have maintained a 70-75 pound loss for a year now and would like to move on to lose about 25-40 more.

Bed rest.....

My iron level has dropped again in the last month. I upped my iron pills after the last time I went to the doctor but, on Sunday I almost passed out a couple of times. So, I went to the doctor again and they checked my iron and it has gone down again. I am on bed rest this week and light activity next week. I am taking iron pills, eating iron rich foods, drinking lots of water, and getting lots of rest this week trying to get better.

It's just killing me not to exercise. I am so bored. And laying around makes me even more tired and sore. I'm hoping I can just do some stretching tomorrow. I really want to go to karate but I know I can't do any this week. And besides my heart is willing but, my body is not right now. Eating healthy is not so easy when other people are getting your food for you. I have been getting up to prepare my food but, it really wears me out! So, I've given in and am letting others get me food. When I get better I can be in better control. ( I have also been eating too much chocolate!!....all my own fault!!!!!) My weight is pretty much staying in one place, up a little down a little, not losing over all but, not gaining either.

It's spring break and my daughter is home doing crafts, taking care of me, and watching DVDs with me.
This is my favorite of the day...I love the song!

gained 2 pounds...

I was going along working through things and feeling so much better about myself till weigh-in day last week. I was so disappointed when I weighed... I gained 2 pounds. This really set my mind back because I felt I was doing ok, not super good, and if anything I might just stay the same. But, no.....I gained 2 pounds. I have tried to let it go and move on...it's not the end of the world but it sure is disappointing. I have been so emotional lately. Feeling worthless for not losing weight. Not being able to get my body back into a slow steady loss. Don't get me wrong, I am happy (some what) that I am not gaining everything back but, I'm tired of sitting here with at least another 40-50 pounds left to lose. Enough of that.

The one thing I did for myself last week, that I have been putting off, is....I went to the doctor. I had a blood test and found out I am anemic. And then they made me another appointment to talk about it next week. I guess you only get one answer at a time... first you find out if something is wrong or not, then the next appointment you get to talk about what to do about it. How complicated can it be to tell me to take iron. So, I'm not waiting...I'm going to start taking iron now and maybe I will feel better by my next appointment. So, I did do one thing for myself and got that taken care of.

I did my regular workouts and I also got in some wii fit time this week. My food intake has been not-so-good.
Today is a new day and I am going to take care of myself.
Hope you have a happy healthy day too.

thank you....

Thank you Cammy and all of you who read, comment, and support those of us who are struggling. You just don't know how a few encouraging words can make some ones whole day, week or year.

I was going about my day as usual yesterday putting things off and not making any plans to follow through on doing something for me until I quickly checked my email yesterday afternoon. Each day that I get the time, I check to see if some one has emailed me or commented on my blog and as usual....not much.....well, why should there be, I never email anyone and I rarely blog so how can I expect someone to contact me back. But yesterday, low and behold the ever encouraging Cammy has left me a comment. Now, let me say I agree with her 100% on the issue of taking care of myself first will then benefit the rest of my family because I will feel better and then be better able to take care of them without being grouchy !!! It's that horrible negative side of me that says I don't have time or, I don't deserve it for whatever reason or, I'm too tired, always putting things off...etc. All the excuses. So, I checked my email and there it was a comment from Cammy. First I read it and thought yea, I agree. Then the P.S. part..... oh, no some one caught me putting it off again, ok I'll get off my but and go make that appointment. And the last part is what really made a difference...." because I can't think of anyone who deserves it more!" And you know what I do deserve to take care of me! I am worth it and I need to believe this again so I can keep moving forward. I made that phone call and I am on my way of taking care of some things I need to do for me to feel better... and be less stressed. And that sent a chain reaction to my brain thinking of other things I could do that would make me happy. Now, I just need to make a list and try to do some of them.
My eating has been ok....but not the best the last couple of days. I'm still trying and not giving up. I did go to karate last night and was there for 2 hours. I didn't work as hard for the 2 hours as usual but it was fun, I always enjoy going and learning new things. I may help with a tournament this week....not sure yet.
Have a happy healthy day...you are worth it too!!

quick Monday post...

Just a quick Monday night post. I did pretty well on my eating all day till I got home and ate dinner and then I ate a bit too much. I didn't pig out but I feel full, very full, and I don't like that feeling. I haven't added my calories but, I may have gone over by a few.
I'm still battling the emotional eating thoughts. I'm on and off with this one.
Oh, and thinking on how to get things done that need to get done and still have time for me. Cammy said to put myself first. This is hard for me....it feels selfish. I know I need to take care of me but I don't always think I deserve to be first. But, I am taking her advise and putting my self first tomorrow and I'm going to do something that has needed to be done for a long time. Here's hoping I will follow through with it.
And speaking of "me" time....I am going to get off here and go do some wii fit for a while before I go to bed.
See ya...
have a happy healthy day!

Emotional eating ...

Saturdays are always busy for me. I sleep in because on Friday night we stay up to watch a movie with our teenagers and it usually goes late. So I wake up pretty tired to start with but, once I have my coffee I feel better and ready to get something done. My day always starts with breakfast with my husband and then put on makeup, comb hair, and get busy. Not this morning. By the time I got up my hubby was ready to take off and get busy with what he had to do for the day and I ate breakfast alone....well not alone....just not with him. I felt outta sorts about this and a bit emotional ..... I know that sounds stupid but, I don't get much time with my husband and I look forward to spending any time I can with him. I wasn't going to let this ruin my day so I ate a healthy breakfast and put my makeup on and then washed my car and vacuumed it out. In the afternoon I did make him lunch and we ate together but I still wanted more time with him. He went about doing his stuff and I made time to get on the wii fit for an hour. Now it's after dinner and I'm feeling a bit emotional. I'm going to bed so I don't eat to fill an emotional need. I realize that I eat to fullfill emotional needs and as a comforter. One thing I have used as a comfort since I have been trying to take care of myself and be healthy is hot tea. A cup of hot tea does wonders to pick me up but, I still struggle with using food as a comfort. I really want to learn a healthier way...especially to teach my daughter.

Do you have a "no food" way of dealing with stress or emotions?

Wishing you a happy healthy day!

weigh-in Day...

Thursday is my weigh-in day. That means today was the first weigh-in of the year for me.
Ok.....here it goes.......I lost 2.4 pounds this week! I am so happy about that.
In the back of my mind it keeps saying "So what if you lost 2.4 pounds, they are pounds that you gained over Christmas...that doesn't count!" But, I'm fighting against that thought. I lost 2.4 pounds this week and I am going to be happy about it!!!

My goals for this year are to get back to basics and do what has worked for me to lose the 75 pounds that I have lost. So I have been doing good so far. Tonight I got in two hours of karate. Karate is getting a bit more intense again now that we have learned some new black belt moves to practice and work hard at it. It feels so good to work hard at it but, it also comes with a few bruises. My arms are sore tonight. I had a planned high calorie day today so my eating was not all that healthy. And I could have done better at drinking my water but I did get in 7 cups. Tomorrow is a new day and I will do good. I'm going shopping....I need to remember to take my pedometer.

I have been struggling with some things lately. One thing is getting time to take care of myself. Taking the time to exercise and get enough sleep and blog. If I stay up to blog or exercise then I don't get enough sleep and then I sleep-in in the morning if I don't have somewhere to go. But, then I don't get the things around the house done that need to get done and I'm stuck in a time crunch again and stay up late to get the things done. When the time runs out and I'm too tired to do any more it is always blogging or exercise that gets left out. It's so late right now I can't even think about how to work this out. And I know I have to get up in 6 hours. Ok......I just needed to get it out and I will work on it another day when I can actually think straight, right now I think I better get some sleep I have things to do tomorrow.

Have a happy healthy day.

terrific Tuesday...

I had a great day today. I ate with-in my limit and drank 10 cups of water. I did two hours of karate and loved every minute of it. Something I never dreamed of ever doing has become something I love. Karate is my life right now. I love training, teaching and reviewing.
Last night I got in 45 minutes of wii workout before bed.
Thank you to Cammy for giving me permission to not be perfect. I'm not perfect but, I am going to keep on trying to achieve my goals.
Tonight in Karate we talked about setting goals in life rather than a resolution for the new year. Goals are more attainable. Resolutions are more things we wish for but rarely attain. I have a hard time setting goals with-in a time limit. It seems like I always let myself down when I do this.....I don't know why but, I do. Too much pressure I think.
Every time I ever tried to lose weight in a certain time frame I always fail. This time I didn't do that I just started off with wanting to lose 5 pounds...no matter how long it took me and, that 5 pounds turned in to 75 pounds lost. I am back on my journey to lose 5 pound and to see where it will take me.

still sittin' here...

Well, I'm still sittin' at the same weight.....almost.....I think I went up a couple pounds over the holidays.
No good plans yet....still working on it.
I really need some help I think....I'm searching for a solution to start losing again.
My new(on-going) plan is to get back to basics and get 30 min. of movement in each day and drink more water. My calorie count is about 1400-1500 a day and I stay with-in it on most days. My training has dropped down to two days a week so I know I need to get more movement in on the other days.
I did my exercise today and drank my water. Stayed under 1500 calories. Not getting much sleep lately though...need to work on this too. And blog....I must make time to blog, you all inspire me so much!!!!
Hope all of you are doing well and on track with your healthy plans.